It's Just A Spring Clean For The May Queen

It wasn't until I had a sit down and a wander around the... how shall I put this? Spiritually Friendly blogs (yes, that will do) that I visit semi-regularly, that I noticed Beltane had passed me by.

I am by no means a dogmatic person. To me, either you live a spiritually good life, or you don't. No amount of ceremony is going to connect you to anything if you cannot find the beauty, the simplicity, the god/dess in every day life. And celebrate it. Faith is an extremely elusive and fickle thing to have in your life on a daily basis. But I manage. Usually. Today I did not.

I feel as if I'm operating upside down. The passage of time, it has no meaning to me. It flows by, and I stand still. But yet I'm falling behind. I am an anomaly.

More and more I find myself denying, or excusing my beliefs to myself. I feel guilty. I try and appease the male god I think is angry at me by meshing my previous catholic beliefs with my less ingrained (less damaging to my psyche) beliefs. I can't begin to explain what it is I believe now, so don't ask. But it's much better than what was shoved down my throat for so long.

But good little trainee that I was, I still beat myself up about what I now believe. I don't keep a calender of celebration dates. If I did I wouldn't have missed Beltane. As I said before, I am not a dogmatic person, but it would have been nice to know, to do something, anything.

Today should have been special.