Upon wandering, I began to wonder...

Will I find my happy medium? Where is the tower? When is the strike? Does he know how much I miss him?

I just read the most beautiful thing...

And I think you should too - Inanna keeps a very thoughtful blog but this post is the best I've ever read. That is all.

She Was Coming Of Age

I am forcing myself to keep this short, as my rage and outright HATE is about to spill over and onto my lovely keyboard.

Religious fundamentalists are disgusting excuses for humans. They are evil fucking beasts who wouldn't know God if he had his thumb firmly planted on the soft spots of their mushy fucking heads. ANIMALS. I shall go so far as to point you in the direction of proof of such facts. HERE YOU GO. I would just add this guys blog to your faves list.

"Flowers mowed down
Innocence targeted
Whose God is this?
Wished that she had one more day" ~ Seaside by Tori Amos

To Sail You Home

I'm tired. Body and soul tired. I'm beginning to think there's not much left of me, but then where did I go? Tis a question for the ages I suppose.

I'm also beginning to think that no one cares. I'm rather certain the people I consider important in my life merely keep me around for their own validation. I'm the one they brag to. I'm the one they complain to. I'm the one who listens. But they don't listen to me. It is what it is I guess.

My neck is sore from looking back over my shoulder. But I'm too tired to suck it up and just get on with it. I think it's done on purpose. Keep me worn out so I can't run away. Yeehaaa

And I'm so sad...

It's Just A Spring Clean For The May Queen

It wasn't until I had a sit down and a wander around the... how shall I put this? Spiritually Friendly blogs (yes, that will do) that I visit semi-regularly, that I noticed Beltane had passed me by.

I am by no means a dogmatic person. To me, either you live a spiritually good life, or you don't. No amount of ceremony is going to connect you to anything if you cannot find the beauty, the simplicity, the god/dess in every day life. And celebrate it. Faith is an extremely elusive and fickle thing to have in your life on a daily basis. But I manage. Usually. Today I did not.

I feel as if I'm operating upside down. The passage of time, it has no meaning to me. It flows by, and I stand still. But yet I'm falling behind. I am an anomaly.

More and more I find myself denying, or excusing my beliefs to myself. I feel guilty. I try and appease the male god I think is angry at me by meshing my previous catholic beliefs with my less ingrained (less damaging to my psyche) beliefs. I can't begin to explain what it is I believe now, so don't ask. But it's much better than what was shoved down my throat for so long.

But good little trainee that I was, I still beat myself up about what I now believe. I don't keep a calender of celebration dates. If I did I wouldn't have missed Beltane. As I said before, I am not a dogmatic person, but it would have been nice to know, to do something, anything.

Today should have been special.

Spring brings fresh little puddles

My nails are cracked and breaking, and my hands are terribly dry. It must be Spring! I've had my hands in the pots the past two days, prepping and humming and loving all over everything.

I've had to cut back my violets and my massive aloe plants, but that shall only make them grow more vigorously, so I don't hear them complaining. The aloe weeped over my worktop a little but I've bottled the gel, so it's content in having found a use for itself besides growing. I do hate being cruel to my beautiful loves, but they are all the better for it in the long run. I suppose it can't all be fun and games. The poor violets haven't sprouted in months and their leaves were scraggly. It had to be done.

In brighter news I've started some mint seeds, and some dill. I ran out of mint ages ago and was having to drag myself into supernatural foods to buy the tiny little organic bags that cost more than the jar I store them in. But that's life in a small city I suppose. My local grocery store has started carrying fresh bagged herbs, but I tend to shy away from those... They just don't have any appeal. Laying there, slightly wilted, wrapped in plastic with condensed moisture on the inside breeding Lord knows what - you just know scrubbing those isn't gonna get all the germy werms! Organic home grown herbs just rocks my face off.

Still procrastinating on the big stuff though. I am working on it. Trying to. Slowly but surely. I think I can I think I can IthinkIcanIthinkIcan...

Safe In Their Coats (Turbid Blue And The Drugstores Too)

For some reason I keep procrastinating. I keep meaning to, wanting to, get back into the swing of things before summer gets here and it's too late, but I stop myself every time. I'm scared I guess. I've made so many terrible choices the past few years... it's hard to imagine that something isn't going to come back and bite me in the ass. And so I do nothing. I hide. Which, of course, I'm very good at. But I don't want to do it anymore...

I guess it's just a matter of getting on with things and putting my fears aside. But that is easier said than done. They don't teach stuff like this at school. When it comes to sorting things out and really bringing a resolution to the past few years of my life I am at a stand still. I have no idea where to even begin... there is just so much to it. It boggles.

Tonight, I shan't procrastinate. I will accomplish what I set out to do. I will. Yup. Baby steps and junk.

Pick Out Your Cloud

Lately it feels as if I'm being pulled in all sorts of different directions. An imp hanging off each arm and each leg, a devil on each shoulder and no angel in sight. Took the day off I guess. The commute must be tough.

I fancy myself quite accomplished when it comes to flying by the seat of my pants, so the situation isn't really new to me. But it seems as if I've lost something. My decisiveness perhaps. Or my testicular fortitude. Either way it feels as if I'm fighting with a wet blanket for no apparent reason whatsoever.

I am confused. I feel as if I'm missing something. Disconnected is the word. I lost my source's phone number and I don't think it's listed. They don't exactly have a Yellow Pages for that anyway. I'm not even sure I know what I mean when I say "source" but I know I had it, and I know it's gone. It's all so very up in the air. *Insert sigh here*

"You gotta help us Doc, we've tried nothin and we're all outta ideas..."

I have been linked to, so I suppose I must post something now. Nothing like a little pressure to get things going. So here we are. Or here we go. Or something. Yes!

I've decided to write a book. Or to make an attempt at it, anyway. I have a very basic outline done, though I am still unsure as to what direction I am going to take it in. I guess I am just trying to make sense of things by getting it all down on paper, and hopefully having a basic structure will help. Fingers crossed, anyway.

I just feel as if I'm at a crossroads. I've felt this way for a while now, and because I don't want to tear a live chicken apart at midnight, I've done nothing about it. Like Alice tumbling down the rabbit hole, there is no time, no matter, no nothing to make any sense of anything. I'm just falling. Waiting for that sick thud when I hit the bottom - that smoosh that signifies the end is finally here. So very familiar.

The thing is, I don't want the smoosh this time. Why does it always have to end that way? What is it going to take for me to just put my hands out and stop myself from falling? I have tried so hard to find that resolve within myself, looked so long for it, and nothing. Nada. I'm afraid it's not there...

And So It Begins.

First post ever. Yayness! Just thought I would try the whole blogging thing out... It's contagious I think.